The other morning, as I darted out of my house, praying I wouldmake it to work before the lunch hour, I noticed that my usuallyfriendly next-door neighbor was on his porch. I wished him a goodmorning. Instead of smiling back, he eyed me knowingly and offered acoy hello. His face was set in an odd expression-he looked bothembarrassed and disgusted. Crushed, I ran off.
On the subway I pondered what had just happened. Why had my kindneighbor just snubbed me? He used to tell me jokes when we bumpedinto each other. What had I done?
And then it hit me. Two nights before the brush-off, I had beenentertaining friends on the patio. As the contents of the winebottles disappeared, I'm embarrassed to admit, so did our goodbehavior. Nothing terribly scandalous happened. It might have beenwise, though, had I thought about it, to usher ourselves inside whenour evening started slipping from brilliant to blotto. But wise wewere not. We stayed outside until 3 in the morning. It's hard toremember the specifics, but suffice it to say, well before thenight's end we were no longer acting like ladies and gentlemen.
In our defense, it's hard to remember that you're not alone whenyou're on the patio. You think you're safe, plunked down on squishyplastic furniture, sandwiched between nothing but moonlight andfoliage, completely shielded from the city's hustle and bustle.
"It's weird," said Fran Hahn, a 24-year-old student, "becausethere's definitely the illusion that nobody can hear what you'resaying. Since there are a lot of trees, it's very easy to forget thatpeople can hear everything."
Sometimes the problem goes beyond eavesdropping. John Bowles, aradio editor, said of the patio at his previous house, "(Myneighbors') hamburger grill was inches away. They were always there,and that in itself would drive me crazy. I'd feel trapped. If I madea move, they knew I was there, and so I'd want to sit still and beperfectly quiet."
Ken Dhaliwal, an entertainment lawyer, said his patio "used to bewide open and, if the neighbors were in their yard and we were inours, it was gross. If we had people over for dinner, we felt like,`Oh, I didn't invite my neighbor over.' Once we shared a beer withthem because we felt bad. We never got to the point where we invitedthem over. We never felt that bad."
Rochelle Elie, a 31-year-old artist, lives above the patio of abar. She can hear everything the drinkers say. "There was a guy Iknew on the patio. I was talking on the phone. I called down to him;he looked really creeped out, like, `Who is this person in mybusiness?' It's also creepy for me because people can look up andwatch me."
Staying inside might be the solution for those who just can'tstomach the eavesdropping culture. It's safer inside. There are nomosquitoes. And there are walls to keep your neighbors at bay. AvrumRosensweig, a ponytailed radio personality, hates going out on hispatio.
"I talk to myself," he said. "I fear that people are going tooverhear me. I'm supposed to like the outside, but I find myself onthe couch at 2 in the afternoon, staring into the abyss. I hate goingoutside."
But what can you do if you don't want to abandon your patio? Whatif you want to overcome the fact that everything you and anybody elsesays is virtually being broadcast to the neighborhood? Paul Harper,an interior decorator, says there's not much you can do besides putin trees, bushes or shrubs. "Or just speak softly."
Architect Gordon Ridley suggests faking privacy. "Plant a hedge,"he said. "Put up awnings and fences. If you have visual privacy,that's 90 percent of the battle. The worst thing is if somebody'ssitting on the patio having lunch and you're looking right at them."
Still, it's no guarantee. Some people seem to enjoy monitoringother people's business, bushes or no bushes.
Mary Ann Kovalski, a children's book illustrator, said, "There isa small but significant population of middle-aged women who smokebehind their families' backs. It's a bit larger than the group ofwomen having affairs with their tennis instructors. I know that aneighbor smokes but her family doesn't know. I see her behind thebushes with smoke coming out."
Of course, if you're thinking unpleasant thoughts about your pationeighbors, chances are those feelings are reciprocated. Allan Shiff,a real estate developer, was surprised to come home and discover thathis neighbors had erected an 8-foot lattice wall between theirpatios.
"I didn't mind seeing the other people eating," he said, "but I'djust as soon not have seen them. I guess they weren't so excitedabout seeing us, either."
My neighbor's coming around, slowly, but I think I'll wait untilit gets cold out before I throw another party. Intolerably cold. Somerain would be nice, too.
National Post
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